so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
