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i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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