Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Don't EVER smell your tampon
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
