Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
