I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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