If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sober January is a disaster.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
