I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
