So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
