i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
