u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We are two peas in an std pod
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
