anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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