Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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