I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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