The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
