I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
