There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
this is an emotional support booty call
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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