I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
