im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
