Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
