i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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