God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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