Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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