He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
