I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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