don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
