Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
They left me at home... I'm a liability
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
