I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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