So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
