OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
