I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
