a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
