hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
