gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
