the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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