He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
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Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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