apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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