So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
