I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Randomize
