Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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