I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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