sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
