Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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