Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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