the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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