this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
