My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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