Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
