Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
