I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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