omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
