just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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