I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
