just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
