Having a random hookup so left but love u
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
