you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
