Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
