Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
