One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
