Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
