i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
