I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this boner is exhausting
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
