drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
