i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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