before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here